People pleasing is manipulation that someone else taught you.

People pleasing is often a result of our childhood. It is this notion that as children, we need to solidify and accept our caregiver’s behavior. We do this because our parents weren’t able to be fully present with us. We needed to be quiet, calm down, and diminish ourselves in order to “be a good kid.” And we learn through this that our needs are not most important. And the number one importance in our life is just to survive. We carry this notion into adulthood because that what we perceive love and respect to be.

In order to make others happy, we have to become someone less abrasive or more controlled. And when we are only taught this, we become weapons for others to wield.

Some people look for people who are people pleasers, because it makes things easier for them. They want to control someone else, because they’ve never got to exercise control over their own world.

Whether consciously or unconsciously, some people are drawn to people pleasers because they rarely hear ‘no.’”

and this spirals into known toxic relationships, where often you have one person giving everything to the submitter, and the other who gets to be in ownership.

Often times when the person acknowledges you as well it gives you the feeling of validation that you should continue to keep doing it. You see the worth in the other person and you look for the glimpse of hopes they will see in you as well for doing those things for them.

They may even believe in their eyes they are the giver as well. They assume they are doing correct things because they don’t know the true meaning of love and respect either.

This creates dynamics that often reinforce the idea that you shouldn’t be yourself, that boundaries are bad, and leaves you with a sense of helplessness. It won’t be until you become aware of these situations, and acknowledge your own need for love and respect that you can take this power back.

Let’s look at what the cycle of people pleasing does to a person and how we can implement our own self love in order to truly be our truest,  loudest unapologetic selves.

Having compassion doesn’t excuse someone’s behavior. You can still practice Buddhism and be aware that people are being assholes. You can still love your parents and your friends, yet still have the realization that the foundations you have with them weren’t built off of what was best for you at the time. This doesn’t inherently mean that both of you are bad people as well. It just means that as some point, codependency was built in order to feel companionship and love, because that’s how you all learned to love. It just means we were taught different versions that to love someone is to bend for them. To wield yourself to make them happy. To support someone meant to forget about your desires, while helping them achieve what they wanted. Whether it was conscious or unconscious, it still yielded a non consensual relationship to self love and respect.

Often times, without realizing it, we begin making decisions out of control when it feels like love. That model keeps them performing to get to you, or keeps you showing up that way to keep them. No one wants to do that. You will be met by right people and right circumstances where you don’t need to control them

Children will always self abandon in order to feel closer to their primary caregiver because they need them to survive. Friendships will also form in this way too, because as humans it’s essential to have community. Even if that means masking to be a part of the collective.

The way out of this mode is to truly find the intersection where you can still show up for people, but no longer have to hide or manipulate yourself when you show up.

Some friends will be upset when you decide to do this. This is because they’re no longer getting what they want out of you. And it’s ok for them to leave. It may also mean that you have a slower, more intentionally distant relationship with some. But the feeling and awareness that will change within you will be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. To reclaim love and respect is higher than any relationship where someone doesn’t want you to be at your best.

“The way out is finding the place where you can still love people deeply without abandoning yourself to do it.”

One way we explore how to get out of this is understanding what a healthy relationship looks like when we don’t have to people please.

  Healthy love lets you disappoint people.

• Healthy love survives boundaries.
• Healthy love doesn’t require performance.
• Healthy love doesn’t disappear when you say no.
• Healthy love allows both people to exist fully

A healthy relationship allows you to place boundaries down.

It allows you to say no

It allows alone time or freedom of expression

It allows you to communicate your feelings because your opinion and feelings matter

It allows you to be imperfect and yet still worthy

And because you’ve been taught that these things are wrong you may feel guilt when demanding these things. But respect is a foundational requirement not a request.

And if they can’t do these things for you chances are you have found yourself in a one sided relationship.

Learning that you deserve more than that. Wanting to expand and be your true self is not just a good thing to do but should be a minimum requirement for life. You will always resent being or staying in relationships where you can’t get everything you could possibly want. And your significant other whether family or friend should want the same for you. If they don’t it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to don’t the capacity that they themselves have. And someone who doesn’t love themselves will never be able to fully love you like that.

There’s a difference in demanding minimum respect and walking away. There’s a difference between conditional love and self respect. There’s a difference between setting boundaries and demanding the life you deserve. And that difference is where you will find the courage to for once in your life possibly start caring about yourself.

I’ll leave you with this. You came into this world alone and you will die alone. Regardless if surrounded by people or with a partner your journey has always been intimately your own. And on a judgement day. On the last breath you alone will speak or have the knowledge to accept what you have done. And you should recklessly love and sacrifice yourself to that idea. That no one else can be your savior but yourself. No one else can ever love or respect yourself the way that you can. No one else can answer for anything that you have done but yourself and no one else is going to come make sure that your life is fair. Balanced. And that you got everything you deserved. Except yourself. For once choose you.