This is not necessarily a dharma talk, but a discussion we have had as a group that needed to be addressed. Therefore this is what I spoke on, in hopes that it will help someone in need. Enjoy!

How to communicate with your feelings when no one has ever taught you.

Feelings are not problems. They’re not something to be remedied. They’re something to be soothed. Listened to. Something in need of a hug. In need or regulation.

And believe it or not, ignoring and resisting the conversation of your feelings actually is a form of self abandonment. Disassociation is a disservice to your nervous system.

Think of emotions as chemical residue of past experiences or chemical feedback. The stronger the emotional event the more it leaves an impression in your brain. Memories are you maintaining that connection. Those help sustain the relationship.

When you react and acknowledge this familiar response you are wiring your brain to continue this way of acting, hardwiring that to become your default state. To every similar response.

“Your brain becomes an artifact of your old thinking and it becomes easier to think in the same ways.”

You are conditioning your body into the past.

We have to stop negotiating with our anger. With our discontent. We need to stop bargaining with our emotions and say, well if someone does this then this means I’m allowed to say something. Or if they do this certain action, only then am I allowed to be upset or to talk about it. There’s no such thing as putting conditions to your feelings or your anxiety. What you’re telling your body is that it’s not worthy of feeling exactly how it feels in the moment. You’re dismissing the warning signs that your body is feeding to you. You don’t need to justify it. You need to hear those feelings out. They are coming for a reason. They have already done damage in your nervous system. And if you repress them, they’re going to come out in other ways- resentment, anger, shouting, depression. You have to consider them a closest friend and a guide. You have to come home to them.

Acknowledge the place you are at. Instead of trying to run to change it, you have to be self aware of how often it happens and what is affected from the negative self talk and avoidance of the feelings. Your thoughts become your reactions. Your reactions trigger anxiety. Anxiety becomes all consuming and leads to stagnation. Spend some time with yourself thinking about the type of self sabotage you have been practicing with your emotions. This allows you to truly be ready to sit down and have the hard conversation with yourself you’ve been avoiding.

If you want to have a conversation with yourself on your emotions, first tell yourself this: Emotions are information not instructions.

Then slowly ask yourself these questions:

Do you understand where the emotions are coming from? Who you picked it up from? Where you are feeling the sensations in your body?

Can you give compassion for the old/current version of you who felt ignored and left out? Can you give them acknowledgement that you are there now and you see how this is playing out in your life and through your nervous system, through your body?

Can you thank the feelings for being there? They are only there because of their survival instincts. They don’t want you to go through the same things over and over. They’re ultimately trying to protect you.

Can you allow the release of what happened to you, or allow yourself to restate to yourself you’re no longer in that same danger, in that situation, and that you are safe. That things can play out different?